Reset – Day 15

Well there’s a hurricane bearing down on the state and schools are closed but I’m going to the gym. That’s dedication, right? We aren’t on the side of the state where it is making landfall so we should be fine, but she keeps getting stronger so we are already seeing that creepy pre-storm weather that make me wonder if I should have paid more attention to this thing. Oh well. I’m as prepared as I’m gonna be at this point.

I feel better this morning, though still a little nervous given how terrible yesterday went. I made an effort to drink more water yesterday, so I shouldn’t be dehydrated, at the very least.

I have been backsliding on my nutrition since the weekend. Instead of 80% good choices, it’s been more like 40-50% and I can feel it. It sucks having to work so hard for something that was not even a thought in my youth, but I suppose I can pout about it or get back to work.

My challenge today is going to be my attitude. I have to get my mind right.

Reset – Day 14

Today was hard.

Yesterday’s workout was weights, I was bench pressing and rowing like a champ. I felt accomplished and strong and energized. I came home and the day was just straight bananas from there. I was busy AF at work and couldn’t make time to eat, much less to cook dinner, so I starved all day then ran out to grab a burger because there wasn’t time for much else. I also didn’t drink much water. I knew I was in trouble when I went to bed.

Maybe part of today was mental because I slept on it all night, subliminally dreading. Whatever the cause, I just had no energy today and everything seemed so difficult.

The good news is that I got up early enough to prep the beef for the stew I’m making for dinner. I still have to chop carrots and potatoes, but that doesn’t take as long . I’ll start that stew around lunchtime and by dinner it will be divine.

Today, I’m going to focus on water. I ordinarily have no issue on this front, but we had a boil water advisory for a few days last week and the boiled water tasted weird so I didn’t drink as much and I fell out of the habit just that quick. Hopefully if I get well hydrated and well rested today, tomorrow won’t be so shitty.

The days are flying by and I’m starting to think that I need more than 30 days. I know Ralph does too. Things in me are shifting, I can feel it, but the shifts are slight and things like to settle back into their familiar places if pressure is discontinued. I feel like I should keep pushing.

The fact that I feel that way after having such a shitty day at the gym today says something I think.

Reset – Day 13

This weekend was good. I was relatively well behaved. I lived my life, but I don’t feel as though I overindulged. I did, however, stay up too late last night and probably didn’t drink enough water. I ignored my alarm this morning and got a little extra sleep which was lovely but put me behind schedule. I’m drinking my protein and extra water to prepare. It won’t be enough, it’s never enough. It will still be hard, but I got through it last week and I’ll get through it this week .

I’m still feeling good overall and my body composition feels like it is changing. I’m more comfortable in my skin and at peace with the knowledge that I am taking what little control I have.

Tomorrow I will peek at the number on the scale, just for information. I know it has been trending down, I’m just curious how much. I’m more interested in the body fat percentage and I think my scale will tell me that, but I’m not sure what it looks like since I’ve never lost any body fat in the year or so that I have had the scale. HA!

This week I am challenging myself to make dinner using at least one component that has been languishing in my pantry or freezer for a while. I’m also trying to spend less $ at the grocery store. We shall see how that goes. I think I can do it. I am usually able to meet the challenges I set for myself because by the time I set them I am so far off the rails that any minor correction is an improvement.

Reset – Day 10

My feet hurt a bit and I feel a little stiff and sore, but otherwise, I’m glad to report I’ve made it to Friday unscathed. Yesterday was fun. I got to do some punching and kicking and throwing. These feel more like activities that exercises, so even though they are hard, they don’t seem as terrible. I told Ralph as much. I was hoping that he would be like, “great! we will only do that stuff going forward!”, but of course, he laughed and told me that we would still be doing the stuff I hate because there is value in all of it and that I needed to learn to stop trying to control everything and be patient, especially during the things I especially dislike.

Instead of thinking the exercise will never end and how much it sucks and I hate it, he wants me to try to tune in to the sensations with a sense of gratitude for the ability to do it, and also with acknowledgment that the discomfort is a symptom of the growth I am trying to achieve.

I’m going to try. It makes sense and if I can get my head in that space, it will change the game for me.

Reset – Day 9

The day got away from me yesterday. My day at the gym was meh. I had no energy and felt like I was failing at everything. I told Ralph I was waiting for a breakthrough moment where I felt particularly strong or energized. Ralph assured me that I am getting stronger and told me I am doing everything that is being asked of me and doing it well. It does not feel that way, but if he says so…

I can say that I was quite energized all day after the workout. Even after dinner it’s harder to just sit around and watch TV. I get antsy and feel like I should be moving around, so I’ll get up and do laundry or some other form of puttering. This is good, but my DVR is getting very full.

I was neglecting my stretching earlier this week, right when I needed it the most, so I did extra yesterday and my feet/ankles feel much better today. At this moment, I believe I will walk into the gym feeling strong and determined. We shall see if that feeling holds up.

I used to skip breakfast before the gym but now I cannot. I am ravenous in the morning. I pay for it by burping extravagantly all through the workout and feeling like I might barf, but at least my blood sugar isn’t low.

I have also noticed that I have been craving things like chicken and spinach. Granted I’ve been trying to shift my mindset and make sure that I am eating foods that will help me fuel, but I’ve done that before and still wanted pizza. Not sure what is different this time. Maybe it’s because I’m pushing myself harder? Whatever the case, I’m glad it’s not a struggle because I assure you, if I wanted pizza, I’d have it.

I found this place called CAVA which is a fast casual Mediterranean joint that makes pitas/bowls. You choose your base then go down the line and add all your toppings. It’s sooo good. Not only does it offer tons of options for me, but everything is fresh and flavorful. I leave there feeling full and satisfied and nourished. Love it. They have this stuff called Right Rice that is actually a blend of lentils and chickpeas but processed into a rice like texture. It’s super high in protein and a perfect vehicle for all the other tasty stuff. I like beans, but when I eat beans (or chickpeas) in their natural state, they are very assertive and ‘beany’. This preparation allows them to be this fabulous supporting character.

I’m so lame that I’m excited about beans.

Reset – Day 7

Today was an early day so I didn’t have time to write before. Tuesday has been my ‘normal’ training day so I wasn’t anxious today. Stupid, since it was still terrible. I’m feeling what I’ve been putting my body through in good and bad ways. My foot hurts, my shoulders are sore, I am tired. My sleep has been pretty good and my energy levels are relatively high, despite being tired, which is kind of weird. Like, I know I should sit my ass down, but I’m feeling industrious.

I came home after the gym and started moving furniture in my office. Half way through, I had regrets, but I carried on. I’m glad I did because my space feels better and since I spend so much time in here.

Ralph did measurements yesterday. I’m not sure when we will do them again, maybe half way through? I’m invested in results, but I don’t think I need them to be a certain number. I’m beyond that. I already feel better, not just from the exercise but from eating well. My diet hasn’t been terrible, but it could stand some improvement. The good news is that I’m craving the things that will fuel me, so it has been easy so far. It has helped that I haven’t given myself any rules or parameters past making sure I get enough protein. I don’t do well with rules, especially with food. I am tracking what I eat, but mostly so that I can show Ralph if he tries to accuse me of not being obedient.

I don’t think he fully understands the havoc that the lack of hormones unleashes. Things just don’t work like they used to so I need to be prepared to show him if he doesn’t see the results he expects in the coming weeks. I am doing my part. I paid good money to do this, why would I sabotage myself?

Reset – Day 6

As I was titling this I realized I have to count non-Ralph days because over this period I’m only with him for 20 days. Day 4 was Saturday and I was tired. I slept in and later me and Em had some lunch then went to the flea market where I got some excellent boiled peanuts. Sunday I also slept in, then met a friend for lunch and tried a Pilates class. OMG, I loved it so much. I signed up for a 4-pack of classes and plan to go on Sundays. It was a workout, but not a strenuous one. Afterward, my body felt long and loose and my stress level was very low. I’m a fan.

My anxiety about today’s workout is growing by the minute. It’s ridiculous that I’m still stressing about it. Granted, I don’t know exactly what he is going to make me do but I know that it’s going to be hard. I also know that it’s only 30 minutes and that I will get through it. My brain is checked all the way in on this but my body is still in full panic mode. I hate it.

I’m in the section of Next Level where it talks about adaptogens and how they might help with some of the menopause stuff. I picked up some ashwagandha yesterday and took it last night for the first time. Too soon to tell if it did anything. I think it might take some time. I also grabbed some tart cherry juice because it’s supposed to naturally ramp up melatonin production or something. The book said I should have 8 ounces, ice cold, 30 minutes before bed. That seemed like a lot so I did half that and I can say I had no problem falling asleep. I feel like I woke up through the night as much, if not more often than usual, with hot flashes, but they were mild and passed quickly and I was able to fall back asleep with no real issue. Maybe that was the ashwagandha, because usually if I wake up my brain starts running and it takes a while to quiet my mind. In any event, nothing bad happened, so I’m going to keep taking it.

Reset – Day 3

I’m glad to report that I am not feeling too terrible. My sleep was not stellar, I woke up around 4:30A and my mind just started racing so I couldn’t get back to sleep. I finally did, but too close to alarm time so I woke feeling groggy. I did my stretches and got the blood pumping and I feel more alive at the moment, though still kinda tired.

The anxiety I have about this whole process is still quite pronounced. I don’t know why I am so nervous. I mean, I don’t know what exactly he’s going to make me do, but I know it will be hard and that I only have to survive for 30 minutes and that I have successfully done this many times before. Unfortunately, knowing all these things to be true have not stopped me feeling like I’m going to shit my pants non stop in the hour leading up to show time. It doesn’t help that I had Indian food last night.

On a happier note, even though it has only been 2 whole workouts, I already feel a little stronger, certainly more confident. I’m proud of myself for tackling this challenge.

I am extremely glad that I do not have to wake up to an alarm or work out tomorrow. I did sign up for a free intro Pilates class before all this other stuff started, so I’ll still show up for that on Sunday. I’m not too worried. Pilates is not HIIT and if anything it might help with recovery.

P.S. Here are my orthopedic clown shoes, per request 🙂 The are already dirty, because I am outside too much, apparently.

Reset – Day 2

Yesterday’s workout was terrible, but just the normal amount of terrible. It was the 1st day, and I usually train with Ralph once a week anyway, so this wasn’t a huge departure. What was different was the level of excitement and glee Ralph exuded. I think he’s been wanting to make a project of me for a while.

He started out with some mobility/flexibility warm ups but I think they were tests to see how crunchy I was. Well, I’ve been waking up early pretty much every day to stretch and do mobility work so I’m quite limber, thank you very much.

From there, it was work. I focused on not whining or resisting. I’m trying to operate under the assumption that if he’s asking me to do it, he thinks I can so I should at least try. If I give it my all and then fall down, we both learn something.

I was exhausted when we finished but I recovered quickly. My energy was good for the rest of the day. I ate good food and went to bed early.

I slept well, though less than usual. I woke up this morning before my alarm so I just got a jump on the day. I did my stretches, stripped my bed, remade it with fresh sheets, put the old sheets in the laundry, harvested some cucumbers and made a batch of fridge pickles, put vinegar in the AC, had breakfast and now I’m writing this.

All in all, I’m feeling good. I don’t feel as anxious leading up to my gym date as yesterday, but I’m still nervous. I don’t want to go too hard right out of the gate and burn out, but I also want to take full advantage of these next few weeks.

Side note – Completely coincidentally, or maybe the universe at work, I ordered some Hoka shoes because my feet always hurt and they are supposed to be amazing and they arrived just in time for my day 1 workout. They are great, very bouncy, but they are huge and look kinda stupid. I love them anyway.

Reset – Day 1

Dang, it’s been a while. I’m sure lots has happened and maybe at some point I’ll have the time or inclination to catch it all up, but for today, I’m here because I am embarking on a thirty day torture fest, or as My Amazing Trainer Ralph calls it, a Reset. I thought it might be helpful to document the process.

I have been living my life. I exercise, I am generally active. I eat a reasonable diet. I go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I’m doing all the ‘right’ things, yet I continue to gain weight.

I’m at the start of a book called Next Level which is about menopause and athletes, so I can hopefully get some tips about how to manage all the ways my body is betraying me. However, one thing that is clear is that what I am doing now is not cutting it.

I recognize that what I am going through is part of life. I’m not trying to resist aging and I know a little weight gain is going to happen over time. I was cool with it when it was around 30 extra pounds from my late twenties to early forties, especially since some of that was muscle. But now, I’ve packed on another 30 and it just feels uncomfortable. I am not judging my value as a person based on my weight. I’ve done a lot of reading on the topic. I am going to love myself no matter what skin I am in. Loving myself and not liking the state of my physical form are not mutually exclusive.

I lay in bed Monday night thinking that I needed to take some action. Something I hadn’t tried before because either I tried it and it didn’t work, or because I’m just not in the same body anymore. My chemicals aren’t the same. Tuesday morning, I had an assessment with Ralph, which we haven’t done in a while and out of the blue, he gets all serious and tells me that he basically is being called to help me and asks if I would be willing to give him 5 days a week for 30 days.

I was initially resistant, because 1 day a week is already daunting. I told him I work out on my own. He acknowledged that, but said that I make those workouts and I control them. True enough. Am I really pushing myself? Not really. I’m doing what I need to do to stay active and more than enough to have kept me in shape when I was younger, but now? Clearly it is not enough.

I decided that this was the universe giving me an answer.

So today is day 1. I am hopeful that these coming weeks will jolt my systems back to work or at least acclimate me to a new reality. I’m sure I will be sore, but I’ll probably get amazing sleep. I’m sure I will have to track my food to make sure I’m eating enough, which sucks, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to relinquish control for a little while and just be obedient and see where that gets me.