I’m up earlier than I care to be. It seems that my husband was having trouble getting comfortable which means he was flopping all over the place, grunting, breathing in my face, snoring. When I became fully awake, it was impossible to ignore all of this, as much as my tired mind and body craved just one more hour. When I realized that my entire ass was hanging off the side of the bed I felt myself getting irritated so I decided to just give up and come in here to complain on the internet.
I have been struggling for the past few days, well longer than that really, but it has just become more pronounced of late. I have been highly irritable at everyone and everything. I would chalk it up to PMS but I still haven’t had a period. I’ve resented my husband for sleeping; he’s out a good hour before I am and often stays in bed well after I am up. I chalk this up to his lack of responsibility and subsequent lack of actual stress. I am glad for him and it’s not like I want him to be stressed out, heck, that just makes my like even more stressful. It’s just the idea that I am walking around in this constant state of turmoil over all the important business of life and the everyday minutiae that keeps our house up and running and here he is, just moving along, tra la la.
He does stuff. He helps. He does the lawn, he’s been doing a better job with housekeeping. He’s not lying around doing nothing. I just wish he would (could?) do more. I wish he could help financially.
We had a spirited discussion a month or so ago and he was upset that he was having to stress over a small amount of money for something he needed or wanted, but meanwhile we are generous to others. I saw his point at the time and now that I know he feels that way, I feel like I can’t ask him for any financial help as long as I am still being altruistic in any way to others outside our sphere. I’m struggling with this though because I don’t think it’s fair to me.
I should be able to spend my money the way I want to, after I’ve covered my expenses. The problem is that after I cover my expenses, I have to cover his expenses and after that, there is less than nothing left. So I just continue to drown in debt with no end in sight.
I need help but I don’t feel like I can ask for it until I have cut every single extra expense and still come up short. It’s not hard to prove that I would still come up short, the issue is that to prove this point, I have to officially work my ass off to do nothing but survive and the thought of that just makes me so sad. I think I’d just rather live in this endless cycle of debt and enjoy myself from time to time.
I don’t know. I don’t know what the right thing is. I know that I am far better off than most and enjoy luxuries I take for granted. This would be true even if I cut my expenses back to what I consider the bare minimum. Do I need Spotify? No. Do I use it every day? Yes. Do I need all the cable and streaming shit I have? No. Does it keep my dad entertained and out of my hair from time to time? Yes. Every time I go to re-evaluate my budget I run up against this same shit. All the stuff I could cut just makes me miserable and the math still barely works out, so what the fuck is the point?
Anyway. That’s my bitch for this morning. All this noise will fade into the background in a matter of days and I will be back to normal. I’m just glad it’s Friday.