As is my pattern, I have gone from rabid embrace to complete abandonment in a few short weeks.
I was logging my food like a champ. Eating well. On days when I made the conscious effort to eat well, there was never an issue with exceeding my calorie goal. It was easy. Then, I had days where I felt like I owed myself a whole bunch of frozen custard. I logged on those days too. The idea was to hold myself accountable. It’s a good idea, in theory.
The problem is that even though I logged those extra thousand calories, the behavior that led me to consume them remained unchanged.
I can and will go back & forth between “good” and “bad” days, but the truth is that the logging doesn’t make a bit of difference. Not for me. I am an expert at justifying my behavior, be it positive or negative. That’s one of the reasons I abused alcohol for so many years.
I still haven’t found the secret sauce. That thing that will make it click in my brain, like it did with the alcohol, where I just start making good decisions for the sake of the good decision. Of course I am aware that sitting and eating a quart of ice cream in a sitting is not doing me any favors, but when I want it, in that moment, it’s like my brain just checks out. I spend all this time and effort on my health, exercising, taking vitamins etc… but then I follow that up with a Taco Bell binge. It’s frustrating.
The issue is clearly in my brain and the traditional strategies aren’t working for me. I’m too crafty for my own good and I sabotage all of my own best laid plans.
I am still weighing myself, because I like it. It doesn’t modify my behavior at all, but it is kind of a barometer for me, in the respect that I can look at that number and say, “Self! Here are the fruits of your labor!” Whether those fruits be positive or negative, they are mine and I am responsible for them. I want to be able to blame my age or metabolism or thyroid or some other such thing and while it’s possible that there are indeed factors at play that I don’t have any control over, as long as I continue to ignore the things that I absolutely DO have control over, the rest of it is irrelevant.
I have no new plan as of now. I am making no proclamations because I do that all the time and it amounts to nothing over the course of a few weeks. Realistically, I will try to be kind to myself, because I will continue to fuck up and hating myself because of it is counterproductive. I will also try not to sit and eat a whole quart of ice cream. Maybe I’ll go for a walk instead. I’d like to think I will.