I’m annoyed.
I feel like the vast majority of my time on any given day is dedicated to work of some sort or caring for others. This is generally fine, I am grateful to have work and people to care for. However, I crave some time alone, in stillness, with no responsibility to others, simply to recharge. At some point I have to replenish the energy I give away.
I have depended on my exercise time to reenergize lately. Physically exhausting myself is purely selfish and solitary and it has kept me sane. It is a balm. That said, after a while, I need some actual stillness and silence.
It is for this reason that I was very excited that my husband was planning to go on a long hike with a friend after Thanksgiving. My daughter would drive them to the head of the trail, about 2 hours away, then Em would hike and camp until Sunday, when the kid would pick them up at the end point and drive them back. This trip required nothing of me, short of absorbing the stress and anxiety of planning and last minute changes. When Em left yesterday morning, I was relieved. It was really happening!! I went to the gym, worked a little and stayed up late to watch TV. Dad was home, so I was on call the whole time, taking care of his meals and spending time with him for part of the day, but Friday wasn’t the big day. Saturday was going to be it. My day. My peace and quiet, for a few hours at least. Em would be gone and Dad usually has plans so I was looking at 6-7 hours ALL BY MYSELF!!!
I woke this morning, a little late, a smile on my face, grateful for the day that was ahead of me. Planning the chores I would do, happily, because I was going to be alone doing them. Then I got a good morning text from my husband. Aw, good morning!! I thought. Still warm in my covers, surrounded by cats. The smell of freshly brewed coffee in the air. A new text followed the first. This second one let me know that the weather was not looking great and that they might need me to come get them if the kid could not.
That’s all it took to ruin my day.
My tone immediately changed, and I’m quite sure that Em knew I was not happy about it, as he should. He knows how much I needed this time. He failed to recognize before he sent the text that even if I don’t eventually have to come get him, I am now on call. My day is no longer my own. Everything I do now will have to be done knowing that I may have to stop, get in my car and drive 2 hours to pick up two smelly men and drive them back for 2 smelly, certainly not silent, hours in my car. I must plan to use my gas, my time, my basically exhausted emotional resources to bail them out of a poorly planned trip.
To top all that off, Dad just informed me that he probably doesn’t have anywhere to go today.
I may have to plan a trip just to get away from these people. Though my being away won’t stop their need. No, I’ll get texts from Em about Dad being annoying, or I’ll have to make sure they have food to eat, or there will be some other non-emergency that cannot be managed without me.
I was hoping that writing this would make me less annoyed, and maybe it took the edge off, but I’m definitely still bitter.
therightingprompt 