This will be my last blog about weight loss, for several reasons.
My last entry was hastily done in an airport, but even so, it was exceedingly boring and a missed opportunity to write about something vastly more interesting. The dinner was mentioned only in the context of what I ate and what I ate was only relative to whether it fell within my self-imposed guidelines. This fixation with losing weight is sucking the fun out of two things I love to do; eating and writing.
Most people have some kind of struggle with body image, I mean, given the environment we live in, how could they not? So, what I am experiencing is not new, it’s not groundbreaking. The ‘poor me’ episodes are tiresome and lazy. It might be different if they were helping me in some way, but they really aren’t. They are actually quite problematic as it relates to my creativity. If I aim to write something every day and what I write is a bullshit diary entry about calories then I am only ‘writing’ in the sense that I am adding words to a page. It is not creating. It’s procrastination.
That dinner could have been an experiential entry. There was plenty I could have said but I didn’t notice what I should have noticed. I was too busy refusing mac and cheese and dessert. When I sat down to lunch a few days later with my daughter and husband, I resolved not to make that mistake again. I was joyful in my time with my family and joyful about the amazing guacamole that I ate unapologetically on a chip. It’s a fucking chip. It’s not my self worth. It’s amazing I can taste anything with my head so far up my own ass sometimes.
I’m sure I will still struggle on a daily basis because not writing about it isn’t going to make the problem go away, but I do believe that it will help me to be less fixated on it if I allow space in my brain for other things to flourish.
To that end – Here are my non-weight related updates for the day!
I had some family over yesterday to celebrate my dad’s birthday. He turned 79, which would have sounded so old to me a decade ago, but not so much now. Every year that hangs on my own frame seems to narrow the gap between my generation and his. His age doesn’t seem quite so far away, which is reassuring and also terrifying.
As a gift, my sister came over early to clean and redecorate his bathroom. She was nervous at first that I would be offended, but on the contrary, I was ecstatic! I avoid my dad’s bathroom because A) I’m not a great housekeeper and B) I have plenty of other shit to do. So it’s out of sight, out of mind. He keeps it reasonably clean, but his tub gets pretty nasty after a while. She whipped it right into shape and now it’s cuter than it has ever been and I am exceedingly grateful. She even apologized for not doing more and promised to come over and help me clean more often. That warms my heart and I absolutely adore her for it.
My dad invited a friend to our get together, which has never happened before. I was happy that he felt comfortable enough to do it. I’ve known dad’s pal for decades and it was nice to see him again and feed him, since I promised him a steak dinner three years ago, forgot about it, and never made good on that promise. Oops! He brought me a really nice bottle of wine, which I accepted graciously. I didn’t mention I don’t drink because it doesn’t matter. It was a sweet gesture and that bottle will go nicely with the rest of my wine stash. I’m building up a nice collection since I don’t stay up all night drinking it.
It was lovely having everyone over but I was glad when they left. I needed a few hours to be by myself. Traveling for work is mentally draining. It is my job to be ‘on’ all the time and in the conference setting, that will literally be from the time the conference breakfast starts until the time I make my way to my room for bed, usually well after midnight. Then, I come home and of course my family misses me and wants some of my time. Essentially I had been at level 10 from Tuesday morning through Saturday afternoon with one-two hours max to take a breath.
I used my down time to watch junk TV, which I adore. I live for mindless entertainment, especially when I’ve been under strain because it requires nothing of me. It’s all give and no take. My guiltiest pleasure at the moment is Love Island. Although, I really don’t feel guilty about it. It’s extremely entertaining to watch young, beautiful people get attached, and often heartbroken, at breakneck speed. I have found myself completely enthralled by one of the cast. Her name is Cashay and she is one of those people with such pure and amazing energy that you can’t help but adore her. She is also stunningly beautiful. I find myself smiling my face off whenever she is on screen and I am rooting for her so hard to find someone who will love her like she absolutely deserves to be loved. I sometimes turn to Twitter to see if I am at one with the hive mind on any given subject and have gotten confirmation that pretty much everyone else who watches agrees that this girl is a treasure.
I’ve also been into the Bachelorette this season. I have watched for a long time but am usually ambivalent about the whole thing, but the current girl, Katie, is powerful, self-assured and stands up for herself. It helps that the majority of the men she has are decent guys. They are so unabashedly affectionate toward each other. It’s almost more fun to watch the men fall in love with each other than with Katie.
Anyhow. That’s what I’ve been up to. Technically this blog is still procrastination on the fiction writing, but that’s a whole different subject for another time.
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