Do-Over

I re-started my fiction project. I changed perspective, but also pretty much scrapped everything that I had before. I may incorporate some of it later on, but for now I felt like starting fresh was the thing to do. I’m happier with the result.

When I started the last version, I was sending pages to a friend for feedback. I listened to a book recently that told me that was a bad idea and I think I agree. I feel like I need to write this thing in a vacuum. I’ve set a small goal for myself, of 500 new words per day. I think that’s reasonable. I can always do more, but if I’m feeling kind of stuck, I can still churn out 500 words, even if they are terrible. I just want to keep it moving.

It was about a month ago when I had my original inspiration, and I sat on it. Then I had a flurry of activity for about 2 days, didn’t like the direction it was going and abandoned it. It was on my mind for sure, but I just didn’t quite know how to get back to it. I felt my confidence in the idea and in my ability to write a story about it waning. I was thinking about it, but nothing was coming to me and it sucked.

The same book that told me not to share pages along the way also told me to just write. Not to expect the ‘muse’ to come calling out of the blue. If I want to get this done, I will need to work at it. I like the new pages I have so far. My character is becoming more realized as I go. As of last night, I had a bit of a stall. I was headed in what I thought was a good direction but then it started to feel forced so I just walked away from it. I had met my word count for the day, so no harm and in the intervening hours I think I understand what I need to change.

It’s hard just letting the character tell you what happens next, but it does seem to be happening. Whether her story ends up being hot garbage or not remains to be seen, but I am excited for the journey.

Side notes:

• Going to sleep with writing on the brain makes for weird dreams. None of them were useful in the context of my story, but they were entertaining
• I am struggling to find music to listen to while I am writing. White Noise is too boring, and my Ambient Relaxation playlist, which is fine when I’m blogging, is very distracting when I am working on the fiction piece. I just found another playlist called Hustle Beats, which is supposed to be good for designing, coding and studying. I’m listening to it now and it’s fine for this, but so was the other one. Time will tell.

I Guess I Should Stretch

It’s Tuesday already but I feel like I’m just starting my week since I had yesterday off.

Friday’s workout was pretty great, as was Wednesday’s, if I do say so myself. I’m getting better at building them and when they are over, I feel like I really challenged myself. I tested my heavy metal theory on Friday and can report that not ALL music in this category is as effective. Since I don’t know the names of a lot of these bands I couldn’t gauge exactly what I was in for, but the name of the mix was In the Cage and ‘aggressive’ was in the description, so I figured it would be fine.

It was not fine. It was prolonged, tuneless screaming and a lot of what sounded like instruments being played, or perhaps being thrown down some stairs, by angry teenage boys. It was very distracting and not in a good way. I kept skipping tracks and ultimately jumped to a different mix that was a little better.

My neighbor suggested that I make my own mix, but I use FitRadio because I can build in interval cues and there is so much to choose from there. Also, with homemade mixes there is always that pause between songs. Even if it’s super short, it’s present and I don’t like that dead air when I’m working out. After a little bit of trial and error I should have enough mixes added to my favorites so that there is variety and I can be assured that I will be fired up.

I was not fired up this morning, which was not good since I was supposed to see Ralph today. On the contrary, my body was quite stiff, especially my knees. I have not been taking good care of them lately. My lack of patience has led me to resume my prior level of activity even though I was not fully recovered and I’m paying for it now.

I resolved last night, when I had to put BioFreeze on my legs before bed, to take better care this week. To do my stretching and jump back in to the flexibility program that I paid good money for. As is often the case, the universe has nudged me further along this path, as Ralph texted this morning to cancel because he wasn’t feeling well. No excuse now not to do the program, even though I kinda don’t feel like it. I’m killing time here on this blog instead, which is probably why this entry is just going on and on… I’m the worst.

I was actually planning to write a little more about the long weekend generally, but if I do that now it will just feel like more procrastination. I’ll suppose I’ll save that for next time.

Weight and Heavy Metal

I’ve been feeling better in my body lately, which is a huge relief. The practice of cutting myself off from food around a certain time in the evenings has been very helpful.

It generally starts right after I’ve had dinner, and often dessert, so I am completely fed and therefore not denying myself anything. I’ve discovered that some good, hot, herbal tea works wonders for settling down that urge to binge all night. Furthermore, if I’m out there watching TV and I start to feel ‘hungry’, which, let’s be honest, isn’t actual hunger, It’s just my penchant for tasting things, I can look at the clock and realize that it’s time for me to start winding down anyway, which I then proceed to do.

My sleep is definitely better now that I’m not going to bed with a ton of food in my belly. Instead of waking up every 2 hours, I wake up about an hour after I go to sleep, and again around 4AM for some reason, but that’s it.

I don’t wake up starving and don’t generally consume anything I have to chew until 11 or later, which is not by design, it’s just working out that way. I consider my ‘fast’, for lack of a better word, broken when I have my morning coffee, so I’m free to eat whatever I want. I just find that I am not terribly interested until later. I have grown to really desire my veggie smoothies, so I feel like my body is getting something it was missing from those.

All told, I have had nothing but positive results from this behavior modification, but I have had to actively avoid the scale. It is so ingrained in me to check for progress there in spite of the long list of benefits previously described. As if it isn’t real unless there is a numeric corollary. I’m never saying never to weighing myself again, but for now, I feel like it would do more harm than good so I’m steering clear.

On another positive note, I think I’ve unlocked the secret to really being present in my workouts. Turns out, it’s obnoxious heavy metal music.

Deciding the soundtrack of my workout is always a challenge. If I’m running or doing something repetitive, EDM or house music works fine because I can match that rhythm to my steps/movements. If I’m trying to hold a plank or focus on slow reps with heavy weight, that same exact mix can drive me insane. Since my workouts are generally a blend of cardio and weights I lean toward up tempo music that I might like to dance to. The idea being that the rhythms will keep me going during cardio, but I have lyrics and other nuances to mentally latch onto during slower sections.

Yesterday, I chose a heavy metal playlist to humor my neighbor, because she is a self described “metal-head.”

To be clear, I don’t dislike this kind of music, it’s just not what I would actively choose to listen to. Also, what is ‘metal’ anyway? I love Tool and Rage Against the Machine, but I consider them more alternative. But I digress.

I didn’t know over half of the songs that came on during our workout and it didn’t matter. Something about the angry, angsty nature of the music kept me in this energetic, aggressive state of mind. It was not poppy or bouncy, but certainly still had rhythm, but that rhythm came with all this extra crunchy, driving, charged music behind it. I don’t know. It was weird. I’m going to try it again next time to see if it was just a fluke but if it wasn’t, I may need to ask Ralph to switch up his playlist for me on Tuesday.

Dance Party – Interrupted

I stayed out late last night but had a great time. We discovered a new restaurant, a little shack of a place, but the food was excellent. The show was far better than either of us expected. Even so, I was still very much looking forward to today, since I was actually going to get some alone time. Some, real, house to myself, ALONE time.

Emmitt had a toy show to attend and Saturday is dad’s day to meet his friend for lunch and go to the gun range and I had no plans. Fuck yeah.

I woke up around 730A, but decided to just slip my sleep mask back on and see what happened. I woke up again a little after 9A. Glorious. Emmitt was already up and out of the room. I lay there and experienced gratitude for another day of life, for the breath in my lungs and the sun on my face.

I sent Emmitt a message to let him know I was awake and he brought me some delicious coffee. I continued to sit in the bed and poke at my iPad, chatting with Em here and there while he showered and prepared to leave. Lovely.

He left and sat there for a while longer, listening to music, feeling great. I finally decided to mobilize around 11A. I was having alone time, sure, but there were still things to be done around the house. This was not problematic because even laundry and dishes are entertaining with the right soundtrack and some sweet, sweet solitude.

I took some extra time with my daily ablution, in the interest of self care. I plucked my eyebrows, shaved my legs, did a little shower dancing. Once done, I decided that even though I had no where to go, I’d play with an eyeshadow pallet with lots of dark purple and glitter because I fucking felt like it. I stayed naked the whole time, dancing in my mirror, feeling myself. My energy was amazing. I was ready to go scoop litter smelling like cucumber melon, soft as a baby’s bottom and made up like a drag queen.

First I needed to grab my headphones. The music was great, but iPhone audio is tinny and I was getting ready to be on-the-move. I was on my way to Funkytown, motherfuckers.

By now, it was after noon. By now, the house was definitely empty. By now, I should have been able to do chores naked if I wanted to.

Good thing I chose pants because I opened the door and saw my dad creeping into the living room in his god damned pajamas.

If my feeling in that moment had a sound, I think it would be akin to that high pitched fart squeal that accompanies a balloon deflating through a very tight hole. I was so mad, and sad, and disappointed, and frustrated. All I wanted was to be alone.

It may not have been so bad if I hadn’t been looking so forward to it. If it was any other day where I expected to have people up my asshole non-stop, it would have been fine. Not fun, but fine.

But I couldn’t show him any of that. Nope. I just had to fix my face and inquire, in the most pleasant tone I could muster, as to why he was ruining my day. Turns out that his friend was having car trouble and couldn’t make lunch. Then I had to hear, in excruciating detail, about the nature of the car trouble. The faulty key fobs, Bluetooth issues and problems with window functionality. About the extensive internet research he did which calls into question the veracity of whatever the dealership was telling him. Just kill me now.

So I stood there, and absorbed the verbal assault, making him some lunch, because that’s my life, feeling stupid for having so much god damned makeup on.

So here I am, writing this, feeling deflated. He’s going to leave at some point to go shopping for something, but the damage is done and he won’t be gone long enough for it to matter. I’ll just cling to the memory of my glorious morning and pray that maybe, just maybe, the right song will lift me up and I can salvage this day.

Ramblings About Sh*tty Music

I listen to music every day at work. It helps me to focus, except when it’s hot garbage, which is often the case.

I have a ton of music that I like, that I can reliably turn to and enjoy, but I like to listen to new things as well, so I often pick a ‘new music’ playlist. Oh my god. It’s so bad. So, so, bad. I can comfortably say that of 50 new songs I might hear in any given day, I can tolerate three of them with hopes that they might grow on me. I might even like one. That’s it though. The rest is TERRIBLE.

Maybe it’s my age, but I’m not even sure how some of this shit even qualifies as music. I’m pretty liberal with my musical tastes, I’ll listen to just about any genre, so it’s not that. For example, I like rap/hip-hop, but what is popular in that genre now is this weird monotone, profanity laden mumbling with an occasional chirping noise. It’s deeply obnoxious. I grew up with gangsta (gangster?) rap and while it was also often loaded with violence and misogyny, there were actual lyrics, a message and decent accompanying music. This new stuff is just nasty on MANY levels and I hate it.

The other genres aren’t much better. Again, there is a dearth of lyrics for the most part, leaving plenty of room for artificial noise and endless repetition of the same three words.

I’m so glad I grew up with the music of the 80s/90s. I find that most days I end up back on those old playlists, because that music holds up. Because it was actual MUSIC. That’s not to say that those decades didn’t have some duds, because they totally did. But there was more good than bad. In my opinion at least.

Anyhow, that’s my rant since I don’t have much else to say today. Oh, except to mention that Spotify is way better than Amazon Music or Pandora.

You’re welcome.

Warm Ups – Except Not Really

I used the Fit Radio on my run yesterday. It took me a few minutes to find a station that was right for me, both in tempo and in musical style. I never quite landed on a musical style that I was 100% in love with, but there were enough peaks among the valleys to keep me moving.

I started out on a 12 minute mile run station. I might as well have been walking. So I switched to a 10 minute mile. I knew it might be challenging to run slower, but it was REALLY challenging. I was so focused on not going any faster that I was distracted from my general hatred of running.

The slower pace did help me stay quicker in between runs, because my heart wasn’t exploding and I could still breathe. Mission accomplished. I’ll plan to run at this pace for a little while longer, until it starts to feel like I really should push myself further. I’m targeting two more runs at this pace. However, I’ll be increasing my run pace concurrent with the advancing difficulty of the run program, so that might slow me down.

For example, I am currently doing a 1.5 min run / 2 min walk x 6 program. I realize that this sounds super manageable, but keep in mind that I’ve really only got one rest day per week. Yesterday’s run was on the heels of an intense lower body lifting session the day prior. Running on tired legs, at any pace, is a challenge, for me at least. Tomorrow’s program is 1.5 run/1.5 walk, 2.5 run/2.5 walk x 2, then 1.5 run/1.5 walk again. To this point, I’ve not run longer than 1.5 minutes at a stretch, so the 2.5 has me a little nervous.

I’m also adding additional runs after each official program, until I hit 3 miles, so after a while my legs feel like they weigh 100 pounds each. I just keep telling myself I’ve got to put one foot in front of the other.

Ralph has been so excited that I’m finally on board with trying to create some actual change that he scampered over to me this morning with a sheet of paper.  A sheet of paper that had some ‘warm up’ exercises on it. Hmph.

I am supposed to come in 15-20 minutes before each session to do these ‘warm ups’. There are different ones for each day, depending on whether it’s upper or lower body. There are 6 different exercises and I’m supposed to do 3 sets of each. I explained to Ralph that this was NOT a warm up, no, no.. NO this is a whole workout by itself. Three sets of 50 low squats ON LEG DAY is a sack of hot, steaming dookie. I think I only actually worked out for like 20 minutes today because I spent the rest of the time complaining.

I told him I would do as much as I could, and he said that’s all he was asking of me. I am appreciative, but based on this stupid paper, I know what the ultimate expectation is and I know how much work must go into eventually getting through these efficiently.

It’s going to be rough, but I guess I’ll just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Running Music and Small Goals

Today was my “rest” day since I doubled up yesterday. I still felt compelled to do something, which I’m taking as a very good sign. I walked for three miles, which certainly wasn’t high intensity, but I’m glad I did it. I won’t be (shouldn’t be) as crunchy with Ralph tomorrow.

I am trying this new Fit Radio, which was actually pretty great. Before, I was using my Amazon music, but their workout stations suck, so I tried making my own playlists, and while they are populated with songs I like, they weren’t really effective for exercise.

I find that when I am doing anything cardio based, I am able to focus and go longer when there is a beat I can latch on to. Otherwise, all I can think about it how much I hate this shit and when will it be over. Fit Radio has playlists that are created specifically for walking, walk/jog combos AND, best of all, running at specific paces.

I tried the walking one today and it was perfect, kept me going the whole time without being too leisurely but also not looking like an arm pumping, power walking maniac. I’m looking forward to trying them out with my next running program.

Since I’m not built for running, it’s been a slow, wretched journey toward increasing my distance and endurance. I have been inadvertently sabotaging myself because my natural inclination to sprint kicks in every time I hit the run part of the program. I end up running too fast, so after like a minute and a half, I’ve got jelly legs and my heart is at 185 BPM. I then spend the walking portions between the runs trying not to go into cardiac arrest. Needless to say, my pace during these times is far from robust. All of this culminates in a total run time for distance which is almost equivalent to what it would have been if I just kept up a reasonable walking pace the whole time.

Sooooo… I’m going to use a playlist to set my pace for me so I don’t run like a crazy person. Hopefully this will help. I have no designs on a marathon or anything, but I’d like to be able to run a whole mile without stopping or feeling like I’m dying. I HAVE done a mile in the past, but it was terrible. I was wheezing and limping and flopping my arms about like my bones had dissolved. So, it was like eye of the mother fucking tiger. If the tiger was really old and asthmatic and had a corneal ulcer or something.

But that was before and this is now and I will eventually do better. At least that’s the plan

Super Interesting Post

It’s been 6 whole days without alcohol. Seven if you count today, but I’m not counting it until I’m in bed. I have no plans to drink, I just don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I did well at the gym again today. I mean, I still have a lot of work to do, but my heart rate didn’t get into the 180s, and even when it was in the high 170s it came back down really quickly. I still have to focus on the cardio piece, which Ralph reminded me of, but for this week, this first full week since I started taking the antibiotics and laying off the sauce, I thought maybe going hard wasn’t a great idea.

Tomorrow I will run. Maybe not fast, maybe not far, but I’ll do it. I needed these few days to gear back up. Heck, if I go out for a run and decide I’d rather not, I’ll just walk instead. I’ve been enjoying being outside, listening to a book or music.

I’ve been particularly enjoying my music these days. I’ve been going back & listening to old albums that I loved and listened to on repeat and then just abandoned for some reason. I scrounged up Bare by Annie Lennox today and it made me happy. It’s not a big popular album, but I think it’s great and I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.

For Halloween I am going to wander over to my neighbors house in sweatpants and hand out candy from their driveway. They are doing a chili bar and we are bringing some crackers and dips. I prefer this to having the kids come to my house because of all the cars in my driveway and my fear that one of my cats will escape.

I really don’t have much of anything to write about, but I hadn’t in a while so I figured I would.

Riveting.