Still Sober

I’ve managed not to break my abstinence streak, 63 days now. Day 59 was a close call, as was 60. Things have simmered down a bit, thank the lord. I’m thinking that there may have been a hormonal component, which didn’t occur to me at the time, but makes some sense now.

I don’t think I’ve noticed any kind of PMS symptoms before, but let’s be honest, I was probably too hungover most days to notice much more than that. In any event, I’m just glad the rage and cravings are waning.

I am having some anxiety over a visit to my mother, scheduled for tomorrow. I have managed to avoid her thus far this holiday season, but my aunt is in town for a few days which means my sister will feel obligated to go over there and I feel obligated to provide moral support for her.

My mother has managed, over the course of the last few months, to alienate the only offspring that was spending any time with her. She trotted out the religion card, telling my sister that since she had been baptized but was not living in accordance with the religion, that she would have essentially have to shun her.

This is complete bullshit for several reasons. First, my mom is a terrible piece of shit hypocrite that any god in his (or her) right mind wouldn’t want representing acceptable behavior. Second, it makes no sense that it’s cool to hang out with me, even though I have nothing to do with the religion, just on the basis of my non-baptism. So dumb.

Anyhow, the worst part is that my sister is very sensitive to her lapse in practice and so this hurts her deeply, even though her logical mind also recognizes that it’s bullshit. My mom knows this hurts her and that’s why she says what she does. Not because she cares about anyone’s everlasting salvation, but because she’s fucking evil. She also knows that my sister is deeply sensitive about her weight, so she basically calls her fat every chance she gets.

So tomorrow is likely to be a shit show. It’s also at 3:30 in the afternoon. Who schedules things like that? It’s way too late for lunch and far too early for dinner. Selfish people schedule shit that way. That’s who. I hope that bitch stays on her best behavior tomorrow because if she makes my sister sad, I’m going to let her know what a monster she is.

So, yeah. Fun times. Excellent environment for sobriety. Can’t wait.

Keeping it Moving

Today is 33 days sober. I haven’t written much because really, I haven’t had much so say. I still don’t, if I’m being honest. I’ll try to string a few thoughts together for posterity.

I already mentioned the sleep and stress level benefits I have noticed from not drinking. Another perk? Satisfying poops. Thinking back, I had kind of accepted that my digestive system was a wreck. I had grown so comfortable with bowel drama that I would regale folks with these stories without a hint of embarrassment. Because I am relatively shameless, this lack of embarrassment is still a thing, but I recognize that my myriad incidents were mostly self inflicted.

I have had a couple of semi-emergent rushes to the bathroom, but not because of explosive diarrhea. Nope, just because my digestive system was working and it was time to go, like a normal person.

I have even been able to leave the house early in the morning and feel relatively confident that I will make it to my destination without soiling myself.

Given my newfound morning freedom, I should be able to report that I’ve been hitting the gym like a champ. Not so. I’ve struggled to get back into the swing of things. I don’t really have a good reason. Mostly it’s just that I haven’t recommitted to it. I’ve been excusing myself from some stuff, like exercising and eating right, because I’ve managed to stay on the wagon. Like I needed to focus all my energy there. Except that’s a lie. This is way easier than I expected. Turns out, I just had to decide to do it and mean it.

So now that I really don’t have an excuse, I must get the ball rolling again. I had a session with Ralph this morning and I’ll be going back again tomorrow. Just gotta keep it moving.

Abstinence Ain’t So Bad

It’s been 23 days without alcohol now. Writing it, that number seems so small compared to how far I feel I’ve come.

The sleep is great. I still wake up through the night to pee, and I doubt that will ever change. After I pee, I am able to go right back to sleep, which was never the case before. I am also not suffering from a terrible, unquenchable thirst. That shit was annoying.

My eyes look bright and my skin is almost entirely clear. I still haven’t lost any significant weight, but I feel like I look healthier in general.

I noticed when I was running through the airport yesterday that I wasn’t getting winded, like at all. It was a wonderful feeling.

I am watching what I eat, to an extent, in the sense that I am paying attention and logging, but not necessarily making great choices. Now that I’m home I should be able to get that back on track. I did notice that when I ate healthier foods when I was on the road, they tasted amazing and I had zero order regret. The junky stuff, on the other hand, didn’t really taste all that great.

All in all, I’m super proud of myself that I made it through a conference in fucking Las Vegas of all places, without a drop of alcohol. I didn’t even rely on a backup. I haven’t had a Xanax in weeks.

That brings me to probably the coolest side effect of all. My stress level is waaaaay down. All of the stress I was drinking to relieve was apparently largely brought on by the drinking. Or at least that’s the way it seems.

Don’t get me wrong, all of the stressors are still very much there, I’m just dealing with them. I am getting so much better at living in the present, not worrying about shit I should have or could have done yesterday or should or might do tomorrow. That is exhausting.

Anyhow. That’s my status report. I will be back in the gym on Monday. I thought about going tomorrow, but I’m not committed, so it probably won’t happen. What WILL happen is I’m making my roasted red pepper and tomato bisque with a side of delicious grilled cheese (havarti) on sourdough. Get in my belly.

What’s So Funny??

I made it through another night out with the girls. It helped that there were more of us not drinking than those that were, but honestly, the anxiety leading up to dinner was greater than any feelings of discomfort I actually had. I didn’t even have a moment of temptation. One of my friends was drinking my usual, red wine, and I could smell it across the table and it was sort of repellent. This gives me more confidence heading into the conference tomorrow. I think it also helps that I’ve been listening to audiobooks about alcohol, and the science of how it affects your brain and body in the short and long term. Interesting stuff.

As much as I don’t want to travel, I am glad to be getting out of the house. My dad got a new phone several weeks ago, and there have been daily reports about all of the things it doesn’t do, or won’t do unless he downloads an app. He refuses to download anything because he feels like the phone should just do what he wants it to on principle. Also, he’s pretty sure everyone is trying to steal his identity. Hilarious, when you consider the amount of clickbait and fake websites he falls for on a daily basis.

Then, there’s the giggling.

The door to my bedroom opens onto a little nook thing that leads to the living room. If my dad is sitting in there (the living room, not the nook thing) watching TV, which is often the case, and I open the door, he giggles. I walk out of the room to do whatever and I get bombarded by questions about what I’m doing and where I’m going. I head back to the room. Giggle. The cats meow at the door to be let in or out, so I open it. Tee Hee.

I mean, it’s completely harmless and I’m glad that whatever I’m doing is so amusing to him but it’s super annoying. I’ll feel better after I’m away from it for a few days, but for now I’m very sensitive. It’s like every move I make is being watched and appraised. I am a fan of moving through my own space and minding my own business and this giggling bullshit robs me of that.

But for now, I’m safely in my bed, with a sleeping cat on my feet and all is well.

Almost 2 Weeks Down

Today marks 13 days with no alcohol. I’m not really thinking about it much these days and when I do it’s fleeting. It does feel like it’s been longer, though. For that reason I’m starting to expect bigger changes than I’m seeing.

When I stop and think about it, clearly I won’t have lost 10 pounds in a period of two weeks. I can also say that there have been some obvious positive changes, so it’s not like NOTHING is happening. It would just be cool if it was more.

I was reading an article the other day about the benefits of not drinking over time and it said that the accumulated liver fat starts to reduce at around the one month mark. That, coupled with the increased efficacy of a slimmer liver should manifest as some weight loss. At least that’s what I’m hoping for.

I’m not going to go all crazy if things don’t change on the scale in a month, but it would be nice to see some movement. I’ve been holding steady at this weight for so long, it’s my normal, but I’d like to establish a new one. I’m not going for supermodel. That ship was never in port, so I can’t say it sailed, but suffice it to say that’s not my goal. I’d just like to be healthier and sit down in jeans for an extended period of time without suffering injuries from the button digging into my muffin top.

Now that I’ve got the drinking somewhat corralled, I’m going to start paying a little more attention to my food. I’ve been logging meals for as many days as I haven’t had alcohol, so I’ve gotten into a groove with that as well. Maybe I need to lay off the mini corn dogs and Slim Jim’s. They are skewing my numbers heavily in the fat and sodium categories and I don’t want to replace one unhealthy thing with another. They are tasty though.

The biggest upcoming challenge will be my trip to Vegas. I leave Saturday and won’t be back until the following Friday evening. I’ll be at a conference, which is where I’ve historically done a lot of my drinking. At the moment, I’m feeling confident that I’ll get through it ok, which is kind of amazing because ordinarily I’d be shitting my pants with anxiety.

Time will tell, but all in all, things are looking up.

This Isn’t Easy

I spent Halloween in the neighbors driveway. It ended up being a pretty good time. It was nice to have some entertainment during the lulls when there were no children, and there were many lulls.

I struggled pretty hard prior to going over there. All I could think about was how it sucked because everyone else was going to be drinking except me. I came closer than I have so far to caving. Luckily I didn’t, and the episode passed. Turns out I wasn’t the only one not drinking, not because it was a big topic of conversation, I just happened to notice.

I felt good that I didn’t drink. I got up this morning and went to the gym.

But here I am again thinking about how it’s Friday and wouldn’t it be nice to just have some wine. Just chill and relax. I’m not going to but it’s frustrating that there is this part of my brain that is still working so hard to derail me even though everything else is screaming that this is the right thing to do.

Super Interesting Post

It’s been 6 whole days without alcohol. Seven if you count today, but I’m not counting it until I’m in bed. I have no plans to drink, I just don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I did well at the gym again today. I mean, I still have a lot of work to do, but my heart rate didn’t get into the 180s, and even when it was in the high 170s it came back down really quickly. I still have to focus on the cardio piece, which Ralph reminded me of, but for this week, this first full week since I started taking the antibiotics and laying off the sauce, I thought maybe going hard wasn’t a great idea.

Tomorrow I will run. Maybe not fast, maybe not far, but I’ll do it. I needed these few days to gear back up. Heck, if I go out for a run and decide I’d rather not, I’ll just walk instead. I’ve been enjoying being outside, listening to a book or music.

I’ve been particularly enjoying my music these days. I’ve been going back & listening to old albums that I loved and listened to on repeat and then just abandoned for some reason. I scrounged up Bare by Annie Lennox today and it made me happy. It’s not a big popular album, but I think it’s great and I don’t really care what anyone else thinks.

For Halloween I am going to wander over to my neighbors house in sweatpants and hand out candy from their driveway. They are doing a chili bar and we are bringing some crackers and dips. I prefer this to having the kids come to my house because of all the cars in my driveway and my fear that one of my cats will escape.

I really don’t have much of anything to write about, but I hadn’t in a while so I figured I would.

Riveting.

Good Things and Bad Brains

Yesterday marked three whole days without alcohol. This is kind of  big deal for me given that I started on a night out with the girls, and continued through the weekend, which is usually my drinkiest time. I’m not going to say that I didn’t have moments where I really, really wanted a glass (bottle) of wine, but I can say that it didn’t happen as often as I thought it would.

I already feel better physically. I’ve lost that bloated look that I hate and just attributed to being fat. My skin has started to clear up, although I’m sure the antibiotics are helping on that front as well. I look less tired. As a forty something woman, these are all good things. I weighed myself this morning and over the course of these three days I managed to lose two pounds, even though all I did was sit around and eat.

All in all, it’s a good report, but I’m not going to high five myself and pretend I’m out of the woods just yet. I’ve quit drinking twice before. The first time was around August 2016. I went a little over 80 days, then decided to have a glass of wine at a friend’s wedding in mid November. I drank pretty much daily after that. I stopped again April 15th of this year and went 25 whole days. Decided I had things under control again and that I could relax with a glass of wine and then, again, drank pretty much daily until embarking on this new endeavor.

I would love to say that writing that down and acknowledging it makes me feel like I’ve learned my lesson. I really do. I am still fighting a battle with my own brain though. For example, I hesitated to write that last part because it would make it harder to make excuses with any of my friends who happen to read this blog. This gives anyone ample ammunition to call me on my bullshit. It’s backing me farther into that ‘never again’ corner and frankly, I don’t like it, even though I know it’s the corner I need to be in.

I’m going to keep working on myself and I imagine that this will eventually get easier and my brain will stop being an asshole.

Day One – Again.

Turns out I have a sinus infection, so I have to take antibiotics. I was also reminded that I have some wonky bloodwork. I knew about it before, but honestly forgot about it until my doc reminded me and told me we need to schedule follow up labs.

Last time this came up, I remember her saying that something was elevated and I kind of shrugged it off. This time, she went into more detail and said it’s a form of anemia and likely related to overuse of alcohol. Hmm.

So this time I did a little research. What I have is called macrocytic anemia and it explains 99.9% of the health issues I experience. When you have this, the red blood cells are larger than normal and have low hemoglobin. Hemoglobin is essentially what transports oxygen around the body. This also puts me at increased bleeding risk, including strokes. Fun times.

This explains why I’m always tired, out of breath and bruise so easily.

The good news is that this is reversible. All I have to do is quit drinking.

Anyone who knows me well or has followed this blog is aware of my struggles with alcohol. It has been a frenemy for decades. Alcohol does me zero favors, but when I think of saying goodbye, I immediately start thinking of all the ways this will suck. When I try to think of the right day to stop, I follow that up by instead thinking of all the future events that will be weird if I’m not drinking. So I just keep on drinking.

On days when I have a glass or two, all is well. I feel fine. I enjoy my wine and life is good. Except that these days are few and far between. I am not good at moderation. At all.

Because of this, I have been circling the thought of quitting again, at least for a time. I’ve been praying about it too. Having been given this news is the kick in the pants I think I need to finally, for real this time, stop. Altogether.

Writing this, all of these thoughts of imminent failure are swirling. No wonder, since I have failed every single time I’ve tried before. I can comfort myself with the thought that it took me many tries to finally quit smoking, but that eventually stuck.

I’m sad at the prospect of never drinking again, but I’m also kind of happy to be back in this place, where it feels like a possibility. It helps that I have an ‘excuse’ I can trot out if some one asks about it, because they will. Granted, this condition should go away with abstinence, but they won’t know that and if I start drinking again, it could very easily come back and frankly, it’s just NOT worth it.

I know so many cool people who don’t drink and live perfectly happy and well adjusted lives. I don’t think I need alcohol to make me fun at parties, but there is a small part of me that wonders if I really DO and now I’m going to be a lame ass. I suppose time will tell.

Pray for me, people. This is going to be difficult, but I believe I can do it this time.